meaning in the numbers

For the last little while I have been struggling at my internship. I would have periodic thoughts of worthlessness while I plugged numbers into excel spreadsheets and made endless photocopies, searching in every corner of the building for something of meaning to do. After a conversation with a friend who is in a much more direct contact possition with people, I have come to the realization that there is incredible meaning in the numbers. Without an operations team, FareStart couldn't run. It requires keeping track of book and organizing lists and contacting people and doing a lot of unsexy number management. It's to easy to disregard this form of work, defaulting to the fact that it doesn't work directly with people and that there are no intimate life connections. The company's accountant isn't the first person that you would peg to be screaming the benefits of FareStart from a rooftop somewhere but their presence is essential. I think that what this ultimately comes down to is the makeup of the people inan organization. There are people who see intrensic value in keeping track of numbers and organizing events and to place them in a counseling situation with a student would be less than ideal. they would want to do more and see more results. There are other people that need faces in their equaitions, that could bear the thought of typing and computering all day long, with out a shread of human interaction. The beautiful potential is when all of these different types of pepole come together under strong and balanced leadership, working for the whole of the community through their specific gifts and talents. I don't know if I have found my nitch. I don't think that it is in operations but thats alright. The people that I work with are amazing and deeply love their jobs.

The number crunch might seem unglamours to some but it is a vital part of any organization, a part that cannot be overlooked in the running of a company or ministry.

I am currently working on a sexy numbers project though, something that I see amazing value in. I get to compile a list of the size of each individual serving of food for our childcare sites, linking them the the USDA's nutrional charts, and then reviewing the meals to ensure that they are balanced and healthy. I live the sense of purpose that I feel, knowing that through my contribution little tummies might be fuller and that potentially undernurished children can receive balanced meals.

stuck inbetween

This week has been rather slow at FareStart. We have been working on Guest Chef on the Waterfront and not really much else.

I have gotten a chance though to reflect on some different issues within homelessness and think about my own life. In the book I have been reading, Criminal of Poverty, Tiny outlines the story of her and her mother's journey into homelessness. The thing that has struck me the most about the book is the slide. From three generations of poverty and immigration, their family has no support network and have developed a very Darwinian method of survival. The pull of the poverty and the little by little decay of credit and financial stability are forces that grab at Tiny and her mother. Poverty for some is a state that must be stepped around and for others it is a riptide that cannot be avoided. The importance of financial decisions is that they do not only effect the immediate future, but for year and years to come. Instant gratification seems to be painless enough at the beginning but its after several years that the pain and consequences cripple an individual. I am facing the similar sliding slope of financial instability. With many of my hours being free and my job waining, I find myself cutting back and saying no to fun, but costly adventures. The biggest different I see between my situation and Tiny's is a history of stability and the hope that my parent's story gives me. Hearing tales of hungry nights and miracle checks in the mailbox has shown me the fingers of God delicately orchestrating their lives. Perhaps I am not slipping into poverty per se but slipping into forced simplicity.

The second point that has been powerful is my experience at the Farmers Market on Saturday. Its right across the street from my apartment this summer and I have had the chance to go around and shop a little. I was making dinner for Scum, which is quite a production now with upwards of 50 people coming in for dinner, and Raylene had given me food coupons from the food bank to get some veggies for a salad. It was the first time I had even used 'food stamp'esque reimbursements and the feeling was very strange. All throughout my childhood we were very able to receive food stamps but my parents refused to. I never really understood that until I had to go and do it myself. Having the inability to pay for your own food is slightly humiliating. Knowing that the little green piece of paper I received from the food bank implied so many half truths into my life was amazing. I paid and constantly wondered what the farmers thought of me. It was not just an exchange of paper for food, like cash that has a powerfully equalizing quality to it, but its was an exchange of social place, cementing the notion that I didn't have the means to provide for myself. I thought a lot about my reaction to the experience. Should I have cared less about what people thought of me? Is my perspective completely skewed on the event because it is something I do so rarely? What would it be like to have to use an EBT card for most of my groceries and experience this feeling multiple time a week? Is this a problem with the self esteem of the individual or is it a problem with the expectations and assumptions of the system and society?

boundaries

This last week has been the fourth of July week and it has been rather slow around here. On Tuesday I was able to attend a 'workshop' like thing, where we talked with a local psychologist on realistic boundaries between staff and students. While a lot of it was review and refining my thinking for a much more professional environment, I began to reflect on the importance of boundaries for the sustainability of one's engagement in a difficult work environment. While working with the homeless I think that there needs to be a keen understanding of ones own personal limits and comfort zones. I also think that being very self aware of your weaknesses and style of interaction is crucial to being helpful in any situation. Being naive about your own personal issues causes you to not deal with them and then unintentionally pass them along in the helping process.

The difficult place that I often find myself in is the line between boundaries and love. Sometimes the line gets very blurry and you don't know if a hug is very appropriate and needed or very unprofessional and boundary crossing. I think that it is also difficult when the people that you are working with are a part of your life. You cannot just leave their realities and their problems on your desk at night, but they travel with you back home. I haven't yet decided if those boundaries are needed. I think that it would be easy to say that boundaries are needed to help and protect the student but often I think that they are more for the staff. If there are boundaries that we must uphold, we don't have to let people in, 'its more professional that way' and its another level that our hearts are prevented from connecting on.

As Christians, what are our boundaries called to look like? Are we given the luxury of boundaries that create space in relationships? What did the boundaries of Jesus look like? Jesus was definitely not masochistic in his ministry, burning himself out or living in perpetual exhaustion. He fiercely protected his time alone with his Father but I get a sense of his bodily tiredness at moments throughout the gospel. To do what Jesus did, his strength could not have come from him, his simply had to allow himself to be a human through which the strength of God perfectly flowed through. Without his unsevered relationship with God, his work could not have been completed.

Allowing myself to live as a child of Christ, I need to have eyes that are open to boundaries. I need to allow God to set my boundaries because without the Holy Spirit guiding me I will set them at the extremes of everything or nothing, both of which are not loving responses.